Don’t Worry Ahmed, You Were Not Part of the Bush Administration: You Have Nothing to Worry About Here.

January 20, 2009 at noon, “Change We Can Believe In”, will finally, mercifully take place on the steps of the US Congress. Barack Hussein Obama (Oh, wait am I allowed to use his middle name, yet?) will become the 44th President of the United States and will usher in a period of harmony and peace, one in which the country will be brought together in unity, foregoing partisan attacks and politics….umm…uhhh…

THIS BREAKING NEWS: Representative John Conyers (D-MI), chairman of the House Judiciary Committee announced Friday that he will be investigating the Bush Administration for supposedly breaking the law by taking the country to war with Iraq and for “instituting aggressive anti-terror initiatives.”

Well, so much for the unity…that lasted all of, let’s do the math, negative four days of the Obama Administration. So, Saddam Hussein was the most vile dictator since Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot bit the dust. He defied multiple UN Resolutions, actively sought ways in which to acquire nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons—yes, those of you with Bush-derangement syndrome, he did (see: Israel takes out Osirak nuclear facility and Hussein gasses thousands of Kurds). He was warned for years to comply with UN mandates and even was slapped on the hand through the use of air raids by the Clinton Administration—oh, but that was okay since a Democrat President did it; surely the wisdom of Solomon rests solely with the Left.

Yet, to Conyers and other Liberals it seems that Hussein (Saddam, not Barack) was simply a victim of the war-mongering, Constitution ignoring, ignorant, law-breaking Neo-Cons and their desire to take over the oil in the Middle East so the Bush family could profit. Bush be damned, not Hussein. By the way, read this article http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3872201.stm it should shed a little light on the falsehood that NO evidence of Hussein re-constituting a WMD program was ever found in Iraq.

This accusation by Conyers of “aggressive anti-terror initiative[s]” coupled with the Obama Administration’s sudden sympathy for captured terrorists (IE: shutting down Gitmo and soon to be gutting of the CIA) led me to imagine what the first interrogation of a terror suspect will look like under Attorney General Eric Holder.

FBI AGENT: Hello Ahmed, my name is Agent Rogers, I will be your interrogator…uh…inquisitor…uh…questioner…uh…we’ll chat
TERRORIST: Death to America!
FBI AGENT: So Ahmed, tell us about the next plot to kill Americans.
TERRORIST: Die you vile scum. Death to the Great Satan and to the Zionist trash occupying Palestine.
FBI AGENT: Oh, Ahmed, you make me laugh [jovial laughter]. I know we Americans probably caused you to think this way. I am sure you were sitting at a coffee shop in Riyadh, ready to go to work at your job as a business consultant for a giant oil conglomerate when suddenly you read about Gitmo in the New York Times and decided to give up that life of luxury you have and kill Americans. So, we are very sorry.
TERRORIST: Someday I will cut out your tongue, Devil. Allahu Akbar!
FBI AGENT: [Jovial laughter] Ok Ahmed, now will you please tell me about the plot?
TERRORIST: Never, you will have to torture me.
FBI AGENT: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down the “Waterboard Train” there, Ahmed. We don’t torture in this country because we know that if we treat you right your compatriots will treat captured American soldiers in the same manner.
TERRORIST: If we get our hands on an American invader we will cut off his head on TV and drag his naked corpse through the street for all the world to see. By the way I want a copy of the Holy Koran

[4 hours later after a correct translation of the Koran is found, Ahmed has eaten a lunch consisting of steak and potatoes, took a quiet nap, prayed, and made his one phone call—strangely to an unregistered cell phone in the Pansheer Valley of Pakistan, the questioning continues]

FBI AGENT: So, we have treated you well, will you tell us about the plot to kill thousands of Americans now.
TERRORIST: By the way, you pointed me in the wrong direction earlier when I prayed. When will the ACLU be here.
FBI AGENT: Easy buddy…honest mistake. How about if I add a nap every two hours of questioning instead of every four and we make this all go away. By the way are you comfortable.
TERRORIST: This chair is kind of hard.

[2 hours later after a softer chair more to Ahmed’s liking is found and the agreed upon nap is again taken, the questioning continues]

TERRORIST: You know Rogers, you are not a bad man. I kill all Americans except for you.
FBI AGENT: Well, thanks Ahmed.
TERRORIST:[Pause, slap on the knee]. Ha! Got you. I kill you too.. and your family. And, you had better begin addressing me as Ahmed bin Ishtar the Great and end all your sentences with Allahu Akbar or I will sue.
FBI AGENT: Yes sir, Mr. Ishtar the Great. Now since I have been so nice to you, will you please tell me what the next plot is going to be…oh yeah, Allahu Akbar.
TERRORIST: That is better Rogers…and…no.

[Later]

HOLDER: Have we broken through, any info?
FBI AGENT: No sir, he just won’t break. He’s a tough nut. Allahu Akbar.
HOLDER: Huh?
FBI AGENT: Nevermind.
HOLDER Oh well, I have more important things to do. I think I might finally be able to get Cheney for the Valerie Plame thing. I will Waterboard his ass if I have to.